I’m exhausted and sore.

I took a look at my savings, and it’s not gonna last me as long as I was hoping. So I went back to UPS for the Holiday season to extend my savings as best I can.

I worked at UPS from 2009 to 2013, and it was rough work, that hasn’t changed. It was strange standing in the guard shack, waiting for an old co-work to get me and the two new hires. By the time we reached the building and started training, I felt incredibly calm and relaxed. More relaxed than I’ve been the past two years.

Maybe the reason I felt so comfortable was because I already knew what is expected of me. The hardest decision of my day is where to put the boxes and whether or not everything would fit. Another part of the comfort might be from knowing I’m going to receive a guaranteed paycheck. That thought struck a cord.

The fear of failure wasn’t just a small thought in the back of my mind. It’s haunting every keystroke and that fear drove me back to UPS. I recognized this today as I argued with a guy about the volume on his truck, entirely convinced that everything would fit. When I turned out to be right, I was so immensely satisfied with myself I wonder why I had quit in the first place. Then reality sunk in, I had fallen back into another safety net.

I had quit UPS because I wanted to be a game writer.

I had joined Microsoft in hopes of getting closer to that.

I quit Microsoft to follow my dream as a writer.

Here I was, escaping my fears instead of facing them. Using the excuse that I need money to survive and that I have responsibilities that required cash. Looking back on the last few conversations with people, money often became my focus point. It’s true, bills need to be paid. The fear I would lose my independence and lose my place to live, despite knowing my roommates well and that I wouldn’t be kicked to the curb, has clouded my vision.

It hurts my heart, and I’m disappointed in myself.

The only thing I’m really happy about is that I haven’t stopped writing or working on the things I said I would do. I’ve recorded several videos, worked on the next series, and built the story indexes for my next few titles. So it’s not like I’m completely running away and UPS isn’t going to be my primary job, I’m just there for the season. But this back-step has brought a new perspective. It’s highlighted several weakness that I need to strengthen myself against in order to walk this path as a writer.

I hope you won’t think too little of me. I’m just sharing my growing pains.