Last week, I woke up crying. I felt helpless and confused, while at the same time I worked to make sure that my client knew a meeting was scheduled for 730 A.M. with some people from China. I imagined I looked pretty stupid curled up on my bed texting him at 6 something in the morning, my face covered in drool, snot, and tears. Afterward, I laid there trying hard not to cry loudly because I didn’t want to wake up my roommates still blissfully asleep in the room across the hall (We keep our doors open because the cats will be noisy if we don’t).
There wasn’t any reason, nothing was or is really going wrong in my life. I’m mostly making my bills, struggling to keep a balance between contract work and Patreon, and keeping social since isolation doesn’t exactly help the soul. I just broke down and laid for several hours before I forced myself out of bed and to start the day. I forced myself to eat, into clothes, and out of the house. I told myself, “if this is where my day began, it can only get better from here.”
If this had been two years ago, I would have spent the day berating myself for crying. “No one cries pretty, dummy,” or, “what are you crying for! Ain’t nothin wrong with you!” I would have shut down or worst, turned into an angry ball of seething disgust.
This time, I didn’t go through those chants, I simply said, “it’s okay. Just cry.” Whether there’s a reason or not didn’t matter, it just needed to happen. It doesn’t mean I’m weak, doesn’t mean I was searching for attention, it just something that needed to happen so I could move on with a lighter step.
Someone asked me if I got embarrassed sharing this type of stuff.
No (not anymore), because I think it’s important to share stories like these. Sometimes it helps other people who are in similar situations. Plus, I want to be supportive of the little community we’re building here. I can’t call you or give you a shoulder to cry on, but I can show that being depressed or lost or sad or whatever else I’ve been throughout this blog isn’t always a permanent thing. I want to encourage everyone as best I can.
The world is big and scary and overwhelming, but we can’t let it beat us down. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to hide under our blankets for a little bit so we can gather back the strength we need to move forward.
